Falling in Line

Line culture tells a lot about a people. How compliant they are. How respectful of others. How structured they are. How civilized-wanna-be they are. Americans love lines. They consider them the ultimate sign of civility. They look for them and ask “Is this the end of the line?” constantly. Line cutting is a form of personal violation. You can ask to cut, and often, you’ll get in. But if you just cut, accidentally or otherwise, eyes will roll, grunts will be heard. All the other line dwellers unite through secret eye contacts in hating you. They may or may not say anything to you, but you’ll be their common cause of the society going to hell in a hand basket. Often times one grumpy old man will stand out and say “Hey buddy, the end of the line is back there!” Your apologies will fall on deaf ears. There is no excuse for not having sought the very very end, or the start depending on your perspective, of the line.

Deplaning (egress from an airplane) is an art truly mastered by the Americans. You just wait till the rows ahead of you exit. No matter how they have to struggle to get their massive luggage out from the over head compartments, put on their headsets, yak on their phones, pick up their junk. You just f%$#@ing wait. This may seem annoying until you travel aboard. Then you really miss it, where the rows behind you rush and trample you as you are trying to get into the stream. If you are reaching to get your luggage, the folks behind you just dry hump you and push you into the seats and squeeze by anyway.

Boarding in Detroit

Line culture is very different in the rest of the world. I blame it mostly on looking foreign in the foreign lands. People think because you don’t speak their language, they could rip a loud stinky fart in your face and you wouldn’t understand it; on the account of the language barrier.

In China, folks will just cut in. They busy themselves with something else and act like the rest of the line is completely invisible. A gentle tap on their shoulders will usually send them behind you. If they get tapped again, they’ll just make another single person hop until there are either no taps or the end of the line is reached. You have to stay close to the person ahead of you. Any gap, where some amount of light can get through, is an invitation to cutting. Sometimes they just wiggle and twitch their way in front of you. Being an American with a large personal space requirement is like driving a fully laden cement truck in stop-and- go traffic on I-275. Everyone and their brothers will cut in front of you.

In India the cutter will give you a sideway glance and grin and step in front of you. It’s like saying “Ignore me, I am just cutting in! You very very nice man, but don’t speak Hindi.” And a tap would do the trick, but they have already looked at you and grinned, so that makes the tapping a cold hearted act.

Germans cut in, in the most garish manner. Not only they cut, they seem as though they have half a mind to turn around and slap you for standing behind them. The tap is only advised when the cutter is much smaller than you. I do, however, tap no matter what. Sometimes the tap is completely ignored, and then I loudly condemn the entire country “what a bunch of assholes” as I look at the folks behind me, seeking sympathy. Of course they all look away, as though to say “we didn’t see that.” And I go on saying “ha, typical!”

But no one cherishes lines more than Americans. They seek them. They see one and they line right up at the end. The reason for shopping on black Friday, the day after Thanks Giving is the goddamn lines. “Ooooh, look at us, we are standing in line.”

-“Excuse me, is this the end of the line?”

-“No, it’s back there, three hundred feet back, snaking behind the appliance isle.”

-“Would you like to cut in? Go ahead.”

-“Oh, no I couldn’t.”

-“Oh go ahead, that baby looks heavy.”

-“ Is it OK with you? Really?”

-“Sure!”

-“How about the people behind you? Is Ok with you sir?”

-“Yeah, no problem.”

-“How about the lady behind you? Ma’am, do you mind?”

Sometimes I just want to shout “Just get the F%$@ in the line already!” But Americans would never forego the pleasantries of falling in line. It’s the one chance to be truly civilized.

And a great song to close…