A Day in a Life

I am often at a loss as to what to say when I am asked “How was your day?” What is a day in the life an engineering manager or director like? It’s mostly meetings. But what goes on in those meetings? Here is a sampling.

Me: Ok I got everyone together to talk about the plans for the preproduction phase A of our latest hardware box.

Jacob: I thought the project was on hold?

Steve: No that’s not true we are restarting next week.

Jacob: But John told me it’s on hold.

Steve: When did you talk to John?

Jacob: Yesterday.

Steve: Well that’s not what John told me today.

Me: OK, regardless, we  are going to discuss plans and not worry about the project status.

Jacob: Well, I am just saying. We can plan. But if the project is on hold then this is a waste of time.

Steve (irritated and with eyes closed): NO IT’S NOT ON HOLD.

Jacob (oblivious to Steve’s irritation): Well, I am just saying. If it’s on hold, then this is a waste of time.

Steve (more irritated): How many times do I have to tell you, IT IS NOT ON HOLD.

Me: Guys, guys. Ok. Here let’s look at this Execl table. What are the deliverables for this program?

Adam: Well, it’s a light sensitive automatic flushing system.

Jacob: I thought it was supposed to be pressure sensitive.

Steve: NO IT’S LIGHT SENSETIVE. That’s in the marketing definition document.

Jacob: Well, I for one have never seen a marketing definition document. Are you sure it’s not light sensitive? I am just saying.

Adam: I saw that document last year. There was no reference to the sensor, just stated an AFS, automatic flushing system.

Steve: And it’s got to be light sensitive to work.

Jacob: So if I don’t turn on the light, it won’t work? That doesn’t make any sense. It’s got to be pressure sensitive. I am just saying.

Why do people ever say “I am just saying?” It’s a completely redundant statement, I am wondering to myself.

Steve: It’s light. That’s how EVERYONE does it. You wanna reinvent the wheel, go right ahead.

The references to the wheel and it’s reinvention are also completely overused, if you ask me. I think to myself. And the phrase “If you ask me” is another redundancy. It’s answering the question and then asking if you asked. So much nonsense must be driveled out to fill the hour of a meeting that’s not going to go anywhere other than agreeing to have another meeting.

Me: Ok, let’s leave the sensor alone for now. We just use a place holder for it for now until we know more. How about the controller. Who has developed a requirements document for it.

Jacob: Steve’s team was supposed to do it, but they were late, so I had my team design it without requirements.

Steve: WE WERE NOT LATE. The project was on hold!

Jacob: But you said it was not.

Steve: You said it was, then why did you design anything at all?

Jacob: We did it before it went on hold. We couldn’t wait for the requirements to meet the timing. We had to design. I am just saying.

Me: So what kind of sensor does your design use?

Jacob: Ummm, I am not sure, there was no requirements.

I press my thumb and index finger on the back of my eyeballs and rub. Hard. Little flashing stars appear before my eyes and the scene is strangely soothing.

Me: So we have a design that doesn’t meet non-existing requirements.

Jacob: Well we have to test it to see.

Adam: When can we start testing? We don’t have a lab set up.

Me: Ralph, do you have a test lab available?

Ralph (looking up from his smart phone): Huh?

Me: When will you have a lab available to test the AFS system?

Ralph: What AFS?

Me: The Automatic Flushing System that we have been talking about?

Ralph: All my labs are booked till December. You need to clear it with Bob.

Jacob: Well if there is no lab, there is absolutely no way I can make the timing. No way, I am just letting you know right now.

Me: We haven’t talked about the timing yet. When will we have have new complete requirements Steve?

Steve: I am not gonna write requirements if the design is already done.

Me: How far is the software?

Jacob: Well we have the first prototype tested in the lab.

Me: What lab? I thought there were no labs?

Jacob: We used the Auto Disposal Lab. That project was on hold.

Ralph: You used that lab without authorization from me??!! That project is not on hold. It’s very critical. I am reporting this to Bob!!!

Jacob: No one was using that lab for weeks. We just used it. You never noticed.

Ralph (threatening me): I am reporting this to Bob. Your team is out of control.

Me: Jacob, why didn’t you clear this with me?

Jacob: Well actually one of the guys on my team did it without me knowing it. It was Ryan. I told him he shouldn’t have.

Oh god, now comes the time to throw the underlings under the bus. I’ll be telling Bob that it was Jacob. And Ryan will get his ass handed to him for taking an extra bit of initiative.

Me: Please clear the lab out and hand it back to Ralph. Ralph, I am sorry, you’ll have your lab back exactly as it was.

Ralph: It better be. My project is delayed because of this. I am statusing out as RED on this one.

Since when did status become a verb, I ponder.

Jacob: The lab was not used for weeks and no one was asking for it. I am just saying.

Ralph: Our project is definitely delayed because of this resource issue.

Steve: I gotta go, I have another meeting.

Jason and Robert follow him out too. What the hell do those two do? I think they are in my organization. I have never heard them talk. They are young and polite, but seem to be always texting each other and grinning.

Me: Ok, I am going to schedule another meeting for next week to continue planning.

Meanwhile hoping that we’d be bankrupt by then or a tsunami hits the shores or the big earthquake finally hits so that I would not have to suffer through this again.

My next meeting is in 5 minutes. Praying for natural disasters.